The last two or three weeks have been pretty hectic; and just last night I made a decision I've never had to make before.

Two weeks ago, or thereabouts, I ran up to Cedar City with my roommate/friend, Ciara. Her and I proceeded to become very, very drunk. It was a rather large party, those of which I am normally frightened to attend, but alcohol does wonderful things to me. At some point during the drunken party a girl who I've known throughout high school (who does not drink alcohol--anymore) was helping me stay vertical and out of trouble, her name is Niall. This only got me speaking with her again.

The next night, or maybe weekend? I don't remember... A friend of hers, Josh, came down from Vegas, who also happened to be a friend of my roommate. We head up again to Cedar with more alcohol to Niall's house. The group of us, Ciara, Josh and I drank a whole lot of gin and played Cranium with Niall and roommates. Alcohol and Cranium don't make a winning team, but it's quite a hilarious time. Niall and I ended up on a team, and lost horribly.

By this time I've become cripplingly attracted to Niall. With the alcohol making me wonderfully confident, and touchy-feely^10, we end up "cuddling" throughout the night. If I am remembering correctly, anyhow... (revisions allowed in comment form.)

The next day on my way to work Ciara sends me a text saying something to the effect of, "Gwyn (Niall) likes you, you should go up to Cedar again this weekend and go on a date..." and so I do. I actually ended up staying there for two days, and calling in to work to spend an extra night. Between talking on the phone to her twice a day and texting in-between we grew very fond of each other. I spent three days a week with her. Normally this would proceed to become a fine relationship, but there is a twist... Niall has a boyfriend, who she is deeply in love with.

His name is Kenny, and he is on a LDS mission. He really doesn't belong there, but I think there were other, deeper reasons for him going then his religion. He wanted her to date other people, but she didn't expect to actually like other people... Whenever I was with her, when we kissed, when we hugged, she didn't feel right about it due to her love for Kenny. Every day I could feel myself falling in love with her, even though it was forbidden. I knew that even when she was happy with me, she felt wrong, and it killed me.

Yada yada yada, I'm forced between making the decision to move to Cedar and live with Niall, or move far far away to Seattle. There was no right solution. So I chose what seemed best for my future; moving far far away. I'll miss her.

I've overcome my feelings, at least for today.

I have decided to move to Cedar City. It's a solid decision. I know I've been planning on moving to the North West (Portland or Seattle,) but that will have to wait.. It will probably be another year before I make that move. I have no clue where I would live in Cedar, but I have plenty of connections there. I've been offered housing, whether it be realistic or not I cannot say--I do trust there will be affordable housing for me though, and employment. Not sure if I'd be able to get a transfer to the Wal-Mart in Cedar, but there is always other decent jobs in Cedar. I am an experienced stocker now, I suppose, among other things.

I do have a problem though... transport... My parents are refusing to let me carry on with the car I am borrowing from them, if I am to move that distance. Even though it is a piece of shit, and I can pay for the insurance, maintenance, et cetera. Maybe if I offer to purchase it from them... I could just buy a car, but I refuse to dig into savings, and only have about $300 of credit paid, and the $700 to pay it in its entirety is not coming in too quickly.

Emotionally today; I'm feeling quite well. The party last night was, quite literally, my first true party. I called in sick for the second time this pay-period, but it was extremely helpful. I'm quite calm, contented. It is necessary for me to give up on _____, I hadn't a chance with her anyhow. I now consider her a close friend and will leave my emotional attachments as such. It would be nice to meet a nice girl, but for now I refuse to take an offensive in the matter. It is far too stressful.

listening to: Final Fantasy - Has A Good Home
reading: Rainbows End, by Vernor Vinge

I'm angry at the world. More specifically two people. Fucking kids fucking up my good feelings. I'm tempted to take tomorrow and the next day off of work, which would then include my weekend. Four days, two of which I would love to spend in Cedar, but I think Tori would be too busy to babysit me for so long; she's about all I have up there. Unless I find Josh and spend a night in his van, unless he's abandoned that idea.

I have a feeling these next two weeks are going to be long ones. If I'm able I would like to relocate to Cedar City and call that my home until I remove myself from this horrible fucking State. I would try and make a move this weekend or next but, it's obligatory for me to stay here until the end. Even if my emotions can't stand it any longer. It's fun, but it kills me witnessing certain shit that goes down. It makes me sad, it makes me lonely, it makes me believe that I truly am a huge fucking loser--I tend to cry sporadically in my car on the way to and from work. It also seems to have made me stop eating...

listening to: The Mountain Goats
reading: Rainbows End, by Vernor Vinge

I've decided to take this advice to heart:

"They are just girls. Be thankful you don't have cancer and move on." -Anonymous commenter.

I've been hurt over and over again, and I'm sick of it. I'm tired of this continual useless pursing. I've yet to not be hurt by the girls I so needlessly need.

Although it isn't that easy, giving up. Eighteen-years is prime time for dating, having fun. I suppose I'm just not the type? I haven't a clue. What I know is that it isn't easy to just discontinue being crushed; 'specially I, a huge softy. Being dropped on my head is clearly not doing the trick.

listening to: Ben Kweller

Talking to someone this morning, I have acquired probably the most impressive, caring, apologetic, depressing and uplifting (yes, all at once...) piece of words anyone has ever bothered to say to me. I won't tell you who wrote this, and I won't ask them to introduce themselves to you:

It's like watching a movie with you as the protagonist, and I want to tell the stupid girl in the film to go after you... I'm just, -shrug- I don't know, not attracted that way I guess. --But I almost wish I was, because I want the 'protagonist' to 'get the girl'.... That probably makes no sense, but I tried.

I have been contented with her and I relationship in the past, and am even more so now. I love her as a friend, and I'm sure we'll stay good friends for ages and ages and ages.

There is still that other girl, though. She may have given up on me... Maybe I should say something? I'm a shy, and irritatingly hopeless guy around her--and I see her every day now.

listening to - Silence