Over the last week or two I have been really depressed, obviously. I don't really know what set it off. It didn't lead to anything good; I quit my job, I stressed people out, I hurt myself, and I probably hurt others by the way in which I was acting. For those of you who I did hurt, if you read this or if you don't, I'm sorry. For those of you who I know read this, Alexis and Eric, thank you. =) Without the two of you there to raise your hands and say, "we care, Scott," I would have been far worse off. When my head is screwed on the right way I do understand how much you care, though I tend to forget all of that when I get all emo.

I don't really know what to do with all my time now. I suppose I should be getting a new job. It would be a ton easier if I had my GED, so maybe I should work on that first. I was just sent what I assume is going to be the last bit of money Arby's has coming to me, so I have to be very careful with my money from now until I am employed once more. I'm feeling better, but I'm still in that mood where I don't want to do anything. I'm extremely unmotivated and lazy. I love having work to do, running errands, playing futsal, trying to keep in touch with old friends... I don't see how one can settle down with a steady job. The longest job I have held was for nearly a year. It was a terrible idea to quit that job, though the reason I quit was for the same reason I stopped working for Arby's. I was badly depressed and wanted to be away from everything. I worked at DQ before working at Xclusive Marketing, I worked at DQ for 3 weeks and quit the same as always. I'm fucking doomed. I believe that if I am able to pick up another office job of some sort I would be able to hold it for at least a year if not more. I would force myself. Getting my GED and starting college is a MUST. This is going to take a lot longer than I imagined.

Laurel and Ryon are down this weekend. They arrived last night. It made me feel like a bad friend... Tyler wanted to hang out--we haven't hung out forever--last night, but I had to tell him no because Laurel and Ryon were just getting here. I feel like shit for that. =/ I'm sure him and I will be able to hang out in the future, I just hate turning people down like that. I think Laurel, Ryon, my parents, and the rest of the family are going out to dinner tonight. No children. =) That should be fun.

I don't have anyone that I can really talk to this weekend. Alexis is up north at a debate tournament, and no one else is really in touch. Time for a lot of acting happy and forgetting about how I really feel. Hurrah.

listening to: Armin van Buuren - A State of Trance 2006

The majority of my day today has been terrible.

When I woke up I was having a great day, I got to chat with Alexis online, etc. Now that the morning is over I'm feeling worse than I usually do. I was suppose to work tonight, but I just didn't go. They called me and I didn't answer. I didn't talk to anyone about work at all. I need to fucking quit is what I need to do. I'm thinking about not going in tomorrow either, or the next day, never. Not just thinking, but thinking seriously.

I don't know what it is, I just don't want to be anywhere. Earlier in the day, when I just had to get away, I drove out to the desert south of Hurricane and climbed to the top of some remote red rock cliffs. I was nowhere and wish I could have stayed there all night. It was too cold to stay up there, though. So I skied down the side of the cliff and made my way back to my car. Still feeling terrible. Now here I am, at my computer, doing nothing and still hating myself. Fun.

Yeah... this blog is short. I'm too unmotivated to write anything more.

listening to: Sloan - One Chord To Another

Today was an interesting day. I have been feeling a lot better than I did last night. I'm not sure why. I slept it off, I guess.

I worked from 11:00-4:00 today. When I got to work I found out that our computers did not work at all. The other day when I worked the computers were having problems, but the register did work. Today the register didn't work, we couldn't even clock in. It was entertaining to say the least. I didn't take orders today, thank God. We had drive closed and were taking orders by hand. Adding the tax with a calculator and yelling back the orders. I was on back line helping Ray. It was actually really easy on Ray and I since it took so long for them to take orders. The people wouldn't stop coming though. The lunch rush lasted forever today. Ugh, another interesting thing which happened at work: Malissa decided to come to Arby's today. It was really weird to see her again after so long; I felt just a little awkward/nervous.

When I got home today I checked the mail and standing out in yellow and black was an envelope from Sprint. It was informing us of our "account changes" which there have been none of. There was a number to call for more information, though. So I had my dad call it and in less than 20 minutes they had put in an order to send us all new phones. =D For free, nonetheless, including shipping. As I have mentioned, my Dad and I are getting the new Razr phone, and my mom and sister are just getting the typical free Sprint phone. The phones will be here in 2-3 days.

One last thing which occurred this afternoon/evening: Melanie gave me one of her fish! A strange phone call that was.

[Me]: Hello?
[Melanie]: Hi, Scott. Do you want my fish?
[Me]: Yep.
[Melanie]: OK. Come get it whenever.

Actually, it didn't really go like that, but that is the basic idea of the conversation. It's a pretty small fish and full grown. It's a little bit smaller than my guppy in length and bright orange with three or four thick, black vertical stripes.

listening to: Belle and Sebastian - If You're Feeling Sinister

I'm feeling better, now. Spending a bit of money on books does that to you. After this morning I wasn't feeling all that great. So I took a shower, put on the least dirty clothes I could find and started on my way to St. George. My car doesn't have a CD player in it, so I always have to rely on the radio. The shitty radio stations we have around here are always playing the same music, but I actually heard some pretty good stuff on the classic rock station this time. More than one Eric Clapton song played, putting me in a better mood.

I got to Wal-Mart first. I needed to buy some algae pellets for my new plecostomus, Moby. He's fucking huge; a good 3-5 inches in length. He was free. =) The only problem is that he makes a huge mess. I woke up this morning to a tank full of his poop. Annoying. I didn't clean it, I figured it would decompose and he would eat it, hahah. If he doesn't, then I'll buy a snail or something to eat all the poop from the plecostomus. On arrival to at Wal-Mart I avoided a few people that I knew and made my way to the fish section. I thought about buying deodorant as I passed the soap section, but decided I would get it later. I found the algae and proceeded to the self-checkout lines. I found a short one, but the guy needed help and took forever... fucking Wal-Mart customers. I eventually made my way to the front of the line and, of course, finished faster than any of the people in front of me. I made my way to the car, trying not to scrape my shoes on the ground.

Leaving Wal-Mart I turned left at the light making my way towards the mall. I sped a lot today... I'm not really sure why. It was a fun drive with all that traffic and construction. =) It took me a minute or two to get to the mall. The mall parking-lot-drivers were terrible today, as well as the parking-lot-walkers. Annoying. I walked in, and of course I knew all the kids there. I didn't say hi to anyone, or talk at all until I made it to the bookstore. I looked at the classic literature section for a minute or two trying to decide if I really felt like buying more. After staring I changed my mind and moved on to the science fiction and fantasy section. I have been meaning to buy the Philip Pullman series; His Dark Materials, I had just never gotten around to it. Oddly it took me a good five minutes to find them. I was a little worried that they didn't have them at all, I would have been outraged. They did, though. Making my day a little brighter. I then moved over to another section that I don't look at very often, still in SciFi, just off in a weird corner. I found William Gibson there. I own one of his best sellers, Neuromancer, and figured I'd buy another one of his books. So, I ended up buying four books and a Barns & Noble discount card. I buy books all the time, so I figure I'll make my $25.00 by the end of the year. I've probably already spent $150 on books this year. Too bad that won't go on my card. =/

The drive home was typical. Stupid drivers on the highway and just the absence of police that I need to make it a speedy, exciting, Sunday drive. I almost forgot that I was going to stop by Perks; Alexis works today and I told her I would pay her a visit. I didn't really know what to get, so I left the decision up to her. She decided that I wanted a "white mocha." It was $4.00 exactly, which I thought was a little odd, but neat. She made it for me while I listened to another good song on the classic rock station. It was a little cold outside, but I left my window open nonetheless. I did, after all, have a beanie on. She handed me my drink and bid me a swell day, as I did her.

On arriving home dinner had been finished and everyone had eaten. Everyone includes only three; my parents and my sister. So I finished my white mocha, let my mom and dad have a taste, and then ate a cold dinner. While eating I was showing my parents the books I had purchased and my dad and I launched into a discussion about the Philip Pullman books, we've both read them and it was a fun subject. I don't often get to talk about the books I have read.

Such was my day. I felt horrible this morning, but now I'm feeling pretty great. Time to hunker down for a boring night.

listening to: The Mountain Goats - Bitter Melon Farm

I have recently decided that:

1) I am a terrible person;
2) My friends aren't always as good as I think they are;
3) Hurting myself doesn't always help, but it always makes me feel better;
4) My life thus far has been meaningless and boring.

listening to: The Mountain Goats - The Sunset Tree

I think I don't talk enough. Really talk, that is. I don't tell people enough of how I really feel. Fuck, I don't even say what I really feel on my blog of all places. No one can hurt me here and yet I hold back. Probably because I know of those who read it, or at least one at this moment, who are responsible for many of those feelings, the feelings of which I must write somewhere! I would like people to know how I feel, I would like this girl to know how I really feel--and to be honest, I think she might know, or has inferred, or should infer the way in which I feel. I feel silly, being so afraid. If you can even call it that. Apprehension, or timidness. I'm 18, goddamn it. I need to be more self confident, less childish. I am being childish as we speak... er, as I speak/type. I don't even know how to explain why I like this girl. It just kinda happened. I've never felt as compelled to talk to someone as I had when I began speaking with her. To be open with them. It is also probably due to the fact that she actually seems to care about me. Hell, half of my friends don't care much about me, and those who do I haven't seen in far too long. They're in college (I think...) or working, or hanging out with their other friends. (Yeah, I'm a boring friend, sue me.) But they still care, and she does; she lets it be known. When I'm down, she cheers me up, or tries... I'm stubborn sometimes. She rides around with me in my car, no where to go but elsewhere. We're really good friends... I just wish there was something more.

I've always been this way though. Last to speak and always too late. The only 'relationships' I've been in have been initiated by the girl, and I enter timidly. Like a nervous puppy, in a sense. All shaky, big eyed, and stiff. Some girls might think the idea of a shy guy is cute, but I don't think it's fucking cute. I hate being nervous. I always make really horrible, hasty decisions that people read into badly.

I haven't seen her in a few days. I only talked to her last night for a bit, saw her at the play, gave her a hug and that was all. I was nervous as hell when I was talking to her, since I haven't seen her for a while. I hope I get to hang out with her again sometime this week. Not sure if I will... probably not. She's too busy with... Everything.

listening to: Death Cab for Cutie - The Photo Album

Life recently has been... normal, I suppose. A few days after I had my 18th birthday I took myself to the bank and opened a checking and savings account with the pay check I had just received. I will no longer be needing to bring checks into the bank, because I also had Arby's set me up for direct deposit. =D After that I didn't do much, and still am not. I hang out with Alexis somewhat often, work, read, sit on my ass, etc.

My credit and debit card arrived in the mail today. Activating them was easy, I did the credit card online, put my number and shit in, tada! activated. With my debit card I just had to use it at the ATM. I can actually buy things online now! hahah. That is exciting. I just have to make sure I manage my money really well. Online banking is sooo nice. "I should probably put $50.00 in my savings account from my checking before I spend it on something stupid," and it's done! It takes two seconds. =) These are in the mail for me, now:



No, they aren't as big as they look... (4mm in diameter) I'm excited. ^.^

listening to: The Faint - Media

It's you, Alexis.

listening to: The Beatles "While My Guitar Gently Weeps"