What the hell just happened? This entire year, 2006, has been very odd. At the end of 2005 Malissa and I broke up; I became a recluse. I dropped out of school, I quit my job, and did nothing. Nothing. At first I had been going to shows with Matt, but that turned out to become too routine and Matt far too much of an ass towards me. It isn't that I don't like seeing my friends in Cedar and St. George, I just got really tired of shit music every week. Quitting my job was a pretty terrible idea, too. No money equals no fun. God, I can't believe how little I did that summer. I never even hung out with my friends. I... can't even fathom how I did so little, but I managed. When school started again I thought everything would be OK. I'll go back to school, start taking things seriously and graduate, go to college, have a good life. School was fun, I liked several of my classes and I had fun hanging out with my friends every day. I even made a new friend, Alexis, who has turned out to be one of, if not the, best friend I have these days... For some reason, though, I just hated being at school. I loved it and hated it at the same time. ODD. So I dropped out. Again. I did get a job this time though, at Arby's. That, my friends... was 2006. Can you think of a worse year? I can easily say it has been the worst, most depressing year of my life. I'm only 18, though. Let's hope I don't have many more years as discouraging as 2006.

The last few days of 2006 have been quite wonderful. Accidentally finding the most perfect spot in St. George to view fireworks at only the perfect time. Having someone who is actually there for you... Yeah... The last few days/week of 2006 have been awfully good.

listening to: Opeth - Damnation

Okay, the last time I posted a blog I said this: "Surprisingly, this winter/holiday season, I am not all that depressed. Not any more depressed than usual, anyway. I think it has something to do with the good friends I have and not being in school." Well, that has changed completely. Good things have happened, but the good feelings have yet to stick. Alexis and I ran about in Hurricane and St. George, visited the antique shop, ate Thai food, and threw pennies from great heights. The greatest heights you can really reach by a building in St. George, anyway. We even fit a movie in there somewhere before she had to go home. It was the happiest I've been and most fun I can account for since... well, for several months. haha. Thinking back makes me smile and almost makes me happy about my life. The feelings are fleeting, though. I don't know why; I want to be happy, I just don't know how.

I think I just need to relax. Getting my mind off of things would probably help... I don't have quite enough motivation to do anything, though. I think I'll write something today, or draw, or loosen up my rusted web design joints.

The other day, Saturday, I beleive, I received a letter from "Bro." Wilson. I would transcribe it here, but I threw it away, and I don't have it memorized. Basically what it said was: "Please start coming to seminary and church, we miss you." Blah, blah. I almost feel bad. Almost. It's nice that they care, I guess, but why do nothing more than ask me to come back? Why not ask me how I feel? Why not try and understand my reasons for leaving, and respect them? I respect their reasons for staying, whether I feel they are right or not. What I do not respect is ignorance. "He was a good boy once. Too bad he opened his mind to the world and got a clue. Now he's all kinds of evil." Beleive in God, have faith in whatever religion you want, but respect how I feel.

listening to:
James LaBrie - Elements of Persuasion

I finally got paid for my work at Arby's! Horray. Haha. The check was actually pretty small. $369.16, or something. Though the first week I worked only three days or so. I've probably already made more than that this pay period. But that doesn't matter, I was still given money, and that is all I really care about. I went x-mas shopping for a few people on the same day I cashed my check. I ended up buying myself $40.00 worth of books... haha. That always happens when I walk into the book store. I bought C.S. Lewis' Space Trilogy: Out of the Silent Planet, Prelandra, and That Hideous Strength. The books are beautiful, the cover art and design is eye popping. The books themselves (so far) are also full of beautiful writing. C.S. Lewis is an astounding author, I've never read a science fiction book that has been so full of character and philosophical insight. And I'm not even finished reading them.

I didn't only buy myself things, though. I bought my dad some shirts and a tie, typical, yeah, but he'll like them. I bought my mom some books that I let her pick out since she was with me and all. My sister got a J.R. Tolkien book that was full of Santa letters that he created. It's a weird book, but very interesting and with very good art. I think I'll buy her something else, too. I haven't gotten anyone else presents yet this year, though... I'm working on that.

Surprisingly, this winter/holiday season, I am not all that depressed. Not any more depressed than usual, anyway. I think it has something to do with the good friends I have and not being in school. Though if I didn't have a job I would probably just be sitting around at home all day, bored to tears, and badly depressed. Things are going pretty well this season. Turning 18 is going to be weird. Actually, it probably won't be. But being 18 gives me a lot more opportunity than did turning 17. I'll have more control over my life, I beleive. I will be unbound to (much) of the world.

listening to:
Interpol - Turn On The Bright Lights

So I've been hiding out in my room, under my headphones, and in front of the computer. Work still sucks, but I don't really care anymore. I go to work, and I come home. I am suppose to be having a visitor sometime this week, but I'm too nervous to call. Yes, nervous. Never before was I nervous around or because of this person. I don't know why I am now. Probably because I've been such a recluse lately. I felt weird present shopping the other day with my parents. I wasn't afraid of the people, it just looked and felt weird being around so many humans. It stressed me out a bit. I would really like to hang out with people (person!) but I don't knoowww. *shrug*

So today my dad took my sister, Johanna, to the Las Vegas airport so she could fly to Seattle/Portland and visit my brother/sister-in-law and Amy. After dropping her off the decided to go Christmas shopping. There is a Fries (spelling?) in Vegas... They went there and bought me a gig of memory. He had to call me to make sure he was getting the correct thing, haha. That is why I know about it. So that is pretty fucking cool. I can't use it until Christmas though...

Fuuck... what else is happening... Oh. I think I am going to get a membership to Gold's Gym and start training with a friend of mine and a Marine. No, I'm not going to be a Marine, but having a Marine for a personal trainer for free is pretty fucking great in my book. Mostly because I have being so fucking fat. I am fat, for me. Yes, I have a problem with my body, haha. I feel stupid for it, but I can't stand looking like I do. It isn't like I'm anorexic or anything, I eat way too much for that, and I don't throw anything up, I hate that feeling. >.<

listening to:
Karate - Unsoloved

The last few days I have been working... I guess it isn't as bad as I thought it would be. It takes up time. Time I otherwise would probably be wasting. I work from 5:00-10:00 (close) tonight. It will suck... Probably not as bad as I am thinking it will, but there will also be only three of us for most of the time, and I'm bad at everything still, haha. I don't care. Though it is stressful when I fuck up at work, I don't think on it very long, and not at all when I get off of work. I try not to think about work. I am going to be getting money soonish! :D Two weeks, I think, since the other people were just paid. I didn't receive a paycheck because I have only been working there for a few days. Nearly a week now. I'm excited to get a paycheck because once I do, I will be buying RAM. Yesss. Right now I can't even run photoshop, and I can only play old games. Gaming isn't the only thing I would like to be doing, though.

I really want to start doing more technical things on the computer again. I will have to re-learn a lot of stuff, though. That doesn't bother me. Once I start getting into it again I think I will learn quickly, I'm not sure where to start though. Probably learning Python, Lisp, C#, and your basic must-know programming languages. It will help to be as much of a master of UNIX as my brother, I'm not sure how else to learn that but through experience. I think I would like to get into game design as well, even though that sounds kinda silly. It would take a lot of patience and practice though. It requires a bit of computer art skills, which I currently don't (think) I have. We will see with time!

I also thought it would be pretty cool to be a really good artist, and follow in my dad's footsteps... or something. I love art. I am really horrible now, but I'm sure I can learn how. I am also sure I could teach myself well enough if I had the patience. I really don't though. I started reading and doing (one) excersizes in an art book, Drawing On the Right Side of the Brain, but for some reason I just stopped reading and doing excersizes in it. It is a great book, even if you already know how to draw, or don't intend to learn how to draw. I just... lost motivation. I did one excersize and the result was astonishing. Maybe someone needs to guide me, haha.

Speaking of guidance, last night I was thinking if I should call one of those "teen help line" things. Not because I am going to commit suicide, which I'm not (and yes, I have thought about it, who hasn't?), but because it would give me someone to talk to, about anything, whenever I wanted. I suppose I could do that now if I really wanted to, but I think I would feel uncomfortable telling my friends truly everything. I would like to, but I don't know what they would think about it. They might think I'm weird, or acting really idiotic, I don't know. I probably will never call the teen help line thing, but it seemed like a nice idea at the time, as it does now. I suppose I just really need someone to talk to on a regular basis. A "good" person.

P.S.
The first track on this record is the background music (you'll know what I'm talking about) for ToeJam and Earl. hahahaha.

listening to:
Herbie Hancock - Head Hunters (vinyl)

The last few days I've been working... and that's about it. Arby's is OK, but I really suck at my job. Everyone says that it takes a while to get everything down, but I feel like I should already be able to do everything, at least on the register. I'm really bad though. I feel bad for everyone I'm working with because I'm slowing them down and making mistakes, but whatever. I really don't care what anyone at works thinks, and I care even less about what the customers think (I'm a great employee, huh?) I'm making money, so I don't give a shit. I will get better eventually, anyway.

Other than work nothing has really been happening at all. I invented a WAR card game. It isn't all that impressive of a game, but I like it. My dad and I played it... he beat me. >.> Having a job takes up a ton of my time, and I never get to see my friends. I might hang out with someone on Saturday after work, but I'm not sure who yet. I'm also not sure anyone will want to. I need more friends... haha. I might end up going to college in January. Just at Dixie. I would probably be able to save up money while going to Dixie. That way when I move up to Washington I might be able to get straight into the university, instead of bumming around for a year or two going to a community college.

listening to:
Leonard Cohen: I'm Your Man Motion Picture Soundtrack